Wake up

Camera phone =

i was twitching

Last night, I had a brief stress-induced mindsnap. I was angry, annoyed, sad, and hysterical in different random sequences for about an hour. Today, I feel like I understand the world better.

I was in Long Island today at a birthday for Katie's rela-someone. I think his name was Tony. Great uncle, maybe? Third cousin? I don't know.

I'm going to program a rap beat now.

stagnation

I want to be playing music, but nobody else plays music. I mean, the kind(s) I'd like to play. I don't know how to meet people in general, let alone find band members that aren't either a) between thirteen and sixteen or b) complete tools. I'm pretty sure David and I are set on producing one song on our own with our own ideas and seeing if anybody emerges from the woodwork after that.

My brother left God Of War on the TV and the soundtrack that keeps looping is really eerie and airy. Like a doom whistle of some kind. I think he's in Pandora's temple.

I realize now how terrible the metal scene is. It's all about being tough, different (while being the same as everybody around you), or "brutal." I use the word brutal every now and then to describe something, but I'm coming to terms with how wrong that is probably on the same level as the generations before me have used "radical" and "gnarly." They're meaningless buzz words that don't properly convey what is truly intended. I need to improve my vocabulary.

Terminator: Salvation was a disappointment. As Jhonen Vasquez said: "It was no Terminator: Salvation trailer."

I have a lineup of shows I'm attending this summer so far:

June 10th: Dillinger and #12
June 14th: Oktober Skyline and Harrison Bergeron reunion show
July something: Arsonists Get All The Girls
July something: IWRESTLEDABEARONCE
some date I forget: Comadre if I'm able
August something: HORSE the band CD release show (in my car)

I've been staying up until sunrise way too often, yet almost unwillingly. I can't seem to fall asleep before then.

gooob

I had Mr. Softee. Vanilla with chocolate sprinkles. The chocolate soft serve was broken, otherwise I'd have gotten chocolate with chocolate sprinkles.

I saw people handing out Marxist propaganda at the bell tower today. Instead of just focusing on ignoring them, I felt like they were doing something meaningful.

I really like Randy Taylor's character on Home Improvement. He's a smart guy.

amber handbag sandpaper glamour mag

Really hot weather just suddenly happened. Spring was skipped entirely. Winter died down and then summer just popped up out of turn.

So I just got the confirmation that Heavy Heavy Low Low is down to be interviewed about the current efforts to reform marijuana law. I'm really glad to get to do this. I have ten solid questions and hopefully other little sidenotes come up. Yeah!

Otherwise, I'm just pressing my way through the rest of this semester. I'm just done with it. Even my favorite class is starting to get boring.

Seeing Russian Circles tomorrow at The Church. Listen to their song in my player over yonder and you'll see how much you're missing out on.

Oleander Smooth

I'm slowly beginning to realize how uninspired I really am. I think I need something really horrible to happen to me. I have no plight feeding me. No real emotional drive besides confusion and blind ambition. I'm like a creative vehicle with no fuel. Lyrics and poetry aren't over my head, but I don't have any reason to create it besides just wanting to. I have no foundation. My life is too simple and generally good, and that's bad for me. I think I need failure, shame, loss, or something. I have nothing pushing me forward besides the fact that I want to succeed, but I think I need to fail first. I want to go out to dinner with friends. I need to make friends, but I think I hold my traits in too high of a regard. That is, I feel like noone else can relate to what I've got in my head, my mind. I think that some of that will ease during next year when I'm surrounded by philosophy majors. People with depth. People down to earth and in the clouds simultaneously. Or maybe I need to make compromises. Find people in between. Everybody is so contrived in this generation, including me. Everybody wants to be clever. Everybody puts on that clever face and makes a remark. Everybody laughs at that remark with their that-was-clever laugh, hoping that what they've just laughed at was indeed clever and in that moment assessing his or her wit and the wit of he or she whom she just laughed at. Everybody wants to be hilarious. Everybody wants to speak with meaning, including me. I don't really think I do. I mean, want to speak with meaning. I think I appreciate thinking with meaning more than saying it. I keep so much to myself. I don't think I'm afraid of being judged. Maybe afraid of being misunderstood or not understood altogether. Maybe just enjoying that I have those thoughts. Feeling like I understand something about anything, at least in my own little way-- my own little way that I perceive to have incredible meaning, but that is relative. People ten years older than me may find something deep that I'd find earth-shattering or vice versa. Or maybe what I find mindblowing they find phenomenal. It depends on who truly has wisdom and who is just outdated. I think that I will become outdated, my way of feeling, my way of perceiving, my way of reacting to my environment. I realized for the first time a few weeks ago how I'm supposed to smile into a camera. It feels like I'm the actual expression a clown has painted on his face, but it looks good to the camera. It used to look something like a modest mugshot or a driver's license photograph of someone who's unsure whether they should be receiving the permission to operate an automobile. Now it looks good and it took me a handful of years to discover. Will it be like that for everything? If something so small took years, will something as large as locating my creativity be found in decades? Never?