deer dairy

It's weird how quickly I can look back lately and see how much I'm changing lately. It's almost at the point where I look at myself a week ago and wonder what I was thinking. Today for the first time in a while I withheld the urge to do something because I foresaw myself looking back and having distaste for it. Is that a good quality to have? I guess it could be debated both ways.

I'm seeing a therapist regularly now, but it's weird because we have nothing to talk about. We could probably talk about something if I were more comfortable with the experience, but I have no real problem urgent enough to communicate. I just have a handful of strange internal struggles. I don't think I've posted since I got officially diagnosed with inattentive type ADHD. I'm being put on Adderall and I'm happy about that. I'd like to be able to live up to my full potential. I guess technically I'm going beyond my potential if potential is meant to be defined as a natural thing. It doesn't matter. But yeah, I'm seeing a therapist because my mom thinks it'll help me get on the right track, but even my therapist agrees that it seems like I know what I'm doing.

I'm getting a job soon hopefully. A friend is getting me placed into a position opening up at the cafe area of Barnes and Noble which is a Starbucks. I really never thought I'd be working at a Starbucks, but I suppose I do enjoy repetitive tasks and using blenders. The only thing I'm worried about is the espresso and steamed milk. I'm scared of learning to operate new machinery. Once I get the hang of it though, it'll be easy and routine.

I've been trying to reflect on myself a lot lately. I feel like I know myself pretty well from the outside in, but not from the inside out. I don't think I understand most of my driving motivations just yet. The more vocabulary I learn to describe a person, the easier it becomes. It also comes from reading or hearing other people telling about themselves. When I relate to certain things I start to realize more about myself. Strangely enough, I've been relating a lot to Dexter from the show Dexter. I'm not a psychopath, but I do lack some ability to feel emotion. I feel like I have a limited frame of emotions. The ones that most people feel I feel to a lesser extent, but the "deeper-mind" emotions are way more amplified, like guilt or deep sadness or appreciation of beauty. I understand that a lot of that comes from intelligence, but part of me wonders whether I'm wired differently as well.

I've been accepting more and more lately that life means nothing, but strangely enough it isn't really bothering me. I know that life is fun subjectively and that's all that should matter to me. I've basically lost all attachment to material possessions pretty recently. I used to save everything I'd pull out of my pockets when I got home, but now I'm quick to throw useless items away. I don't freak out when I damage or break something. I used to get really sad if a glass or a plate ever got broken in my house simply because that object's time of function had ended. Hahaha! But now I accept that it's just an object crafted out of materials that have always existed and will always exist in some form. There will always be the same number of particles. They don't go away, so I don't ever have to mourn them. It's weird to think that I've mourned inanimate objects before. I was an odd child. I really was. I think that adds so much to who I am now though. I understand normalcy so much better than somebody who has always been normal. Unfortunately, that leads to me being able to very easily pick out flaws in just about anything or anyone. Worse yet, many of those flaws tend to bother me. Don't get me wrong, nonexistent reader, I have my own flaws that bother me. I know that I'm flawed too. I'm not an elitist. Certain flaws just rock me to the core. I wish it weren't that way. I'm not saying that I'm unable to accept people and their flaws. I love a good handful of people-- my good friends. But sometimes it's like having a famous piece of art hanging in your living room, but there's a coffee ring on it. You can almost always appreciate the painting completely, but every now and then your eyes will return to the stain and you'll hate it until the painting as a whole distracts you from it again.

I've been getting closer to my friends lately. I wish it weren't afraid to show them the full me though. I feel like a good few parts of me are unacceptable. I'm glad I recognize that though. I hate to see a socially inept person who is such only because they don't recognize their flaws. Some things are meant to stay in the dark. For example, I really wish I could be physically closer to my female friends-- not because I'm some kind of pervert or creeper or frotteurist. I just relate really closely with my female friends because I'm a pretty feminine guy and I feel like that physical contact demonstrates a strong bond. Granted, I really am not that close with any of my female friends yet, but I'd like to get there. I used to have female friends who I could cuddle up with and watch a movie and it wouldn't be weird or nonplatonic at all. Anyway. As for my male friends, I find myself getting closer to them. I'm becoming more comfortable with males as a gender. I think for me it just required finding guys who are open about who they are, and I definitely have that in most of if not all of my male friends. I can't even imagine what it's like to be a jock-type with that lingering homophobia that prevents them from revealing their true traits to their friends. But yeah, now that I'm living at home I think I'll be able to develop much better relationships with all of my friends.

A big part of it is self-confidence. I'm finally on an acne medication that works for me. I'm socially shattered if I have anything outstanding on my face. I can't function if I feel like any negative attention is on a part of my appearance, and the only part of my appearance that I can't control is my face-- until now. Epiduo is the shit. The consistent clearness hasn't kicked in yet, but it will. It did when I first had it, but then my supply ran out and I didn't refill my prescription until recently. I have to go through the dryness phase again, but after that I'll be able to just let loose and not worry about it. I love being able to hang out with friends without worrying about that red lump on my cheek coming to a head. I hate that so much. I won't go out if I have anything like that on me. Everybody says that I notice it ten times more than anybody else, but I don't know. I just can't be confident without my skin being clear. My mind always comes back to it.

I'm taking up freestyle rapping. I've found that a pretty good practice time is while I'm mowing the lawn with instrumental beats in my headphones. I'm the only one who can hear me. I'm beginning to develop a better vocabulary. That combined with my upcoming focus medication will make me pretty good I think. I'm also gonna try to write some stuff and produce some beats.

I need to start exercising regularly, but I keep putting it off. I want to run every other day and lift weights the every other days in between the running days. I've run a couple times and I really liked it. I also love the feeling after lifting weights and having my arms feel lighter and faster. I assume that it starts to feel that way after building some unnecessary muscle? I don't want to be muscular or anything. I think my perfect ideal physique is that of Voldo from Soul Calibur. He has muscle on his arms, some pectorals, no six-pack but an extremely toned abdomen, and thick, solid legs. I think my base physique is pretty similar to what his would be also, because he too is six feet tall and Italian. So yeah, gonna shoot for the Voldo.

I've been pretty interested in law lately. I think I'm gonna visit the Supreme Court this fall and view an argument. I think I'm gonna go to the one versus the Westboro Baptist Church and the whole funeral protest thing. It should be pretty interesting. Also, I kind of fathom that I'll be studying for when I go to the Supreme Court, haha. I fathom that I'll be the one to legalize weed if it doesn't happen on its own. I have a pretty strong case I think. I've got way more research to do.

That's all I can really think of for now.